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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25851289">NO, I'M WITH THE SCIENCE TEAM!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MommaRaindrop/pseuds/MommaRaindrop'>MommaRaindrop</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doom (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, I'm so sorry, This Is STUPID, fic of a fic?, talking about robot dick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:54:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25851289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MommaRaindrop/pseuds/MommaRaindrop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm so sorry this was inspired by a discord conversation</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>NO, I'M WITH THE SCIENCE TEAM!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_800_SAT_ANIC/gifts">1_800_SAT_ANIC</a>.</li>


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23778331">You Rip What You Saw</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_800_SAT_ANIC/pseuds/1_800_SAT_ANIC">1_800_SAT_ANIC</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was inspired by a discord conversation that left me in tears. I didn't really do it justice here but I hope it makes at least one of you laugh-</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two scientists stand off to the side of the lab, talking when they should surely be working. “Hey Johnson, did you see that Dr. Hayden’s old personal elite guard is back?” The blonde says, looking at the brunette. “What? No way, I thought she had died. You aren’t lying to me, are you Amber?” Johnson blinks back at the other in shock, barely believing their ears. “Yeah! It gets even crazier, though! Dr. Hayden was touching her. Willingly! He had a hand on her back and was leading her around!” Amber near whispers, leaning in like it’s a secret. “I can barely believe it, and I saw it with my own eyes! I-” They both pause, hearing a ping come from their phones, glancing at each other. Their phones only ever ping if it’s something important, did something happen with one of the projects? They pull their phones out quickly, terrified that progress may have been lost before they both freeze. Staring back at them from their phone is a picture of Hayden pinning the girl to the wall, the room a mess around them, with the doctors hand outstretched to the camera. The both look at each other again, and a quick “Oh my god. Are.. are they fucking?” escapes from Johnsons mouth. “I.. I think so.”<br/>
As they stand there, a trio of scientists approach them. “Are you guys alright? You look.. Worried, to say the least,” The scientist on the right, Deidra, if Johnson remembers correctly, asks with the other pair nodding and looking at the two. Johnson chokes out a “How would it fit?”, staring at their phone, before flipping it around to show the trio the picture, as Amber whispers a “That poor girl..” watching the trio process the image. “Isn’t that.. Isn’t that Dr. Hayden’s old personal guard?” The middle scientist, Eva, leans in to look at the image closer, before mumbling a quick “Does Dr. Hayden even.. Have a..” and gestures at their crotch, making the others around them pause. “I think he would. Why wouldn’t he?” Amber says, glancing at the others, watching Eva’s blonde hair nod in agreement. “What? Why would he need it? I’ve never seen him show interest in somebody until now,” Wyatt argues, which causes a quick discussion before Johnson hums, nodding their head, brown hair bouncing slightly. “I bet it glows.” The others snort, laughing, before the brunette speaks again. “Oh god, wouldn’t it be nearly a foot long is he’s 9’10? Maybe even longer? That’s.. That’s nearly a fifth of her height!”<br/>
This brings the others another pause, before Eva pipes up. “That’s going to tear the poor girl in half!” making Deidra shake their head, pushing her round glasses up her nose nervously. ‘I’m sure he’d be careful,” She says, light brown eyes showing worry. A snort brings their attention to Amber. “She’d get ripped in half even if he was careful!” There’s another moment of silence, all of them looking at each other, before “Do you you think they’re fucking right now? It’s been,” The brunette glances at their phone, “nearly 2 hours since they went into his office.” The others gape, looking terrified. “You think they’ve been going for over 2 hours?” Deidra asks, getting a shrug in response, then getting a thoughtful look on their face. “Do you think he can adjust the length?”<br/>
They stand there for a few minutes, each with thoughtful looks on their faces, before Johnson looks at them all. “Should we go listen through the door?” causing Amber to nod with a quick “Make sure the girls still alive in there, you know?” at the same time Deidra argues “What? No! He’s probably got cameras, I don’t want to get fired!” Wyatt also nods, answering with “I’ll get ready to have my ass be destroyed.” causing the others to snicker quietly. “What, you want Hayden’s ‘foot long’ too?” Wyatts face scrunches up, replying with a quick “Hell no!” and a quick smack to Johnsons head. The shorter blonde suddenly gasps, eyes flying to Johnson. “If his dick glows does his nut glow? That poor girl is probably a glowstick right now.” The brunette cackles, folding in half and holding their stomach. “AMBER! OH MY GOD! I- She’s a glowstick and- and he’s cracking her back like one!” causing them both to start laughing even harder.<br/>
Deidra sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes as the pair continues to laugh so hard they can barely breathe. “If we’re going to go check on her we should just go do it. No point in delaying what I know you idiots are going to do anyways. Plus, if Wyatts ass is getting destroyed, it will be by his actual foot, not his ‘foot long’. Let’s go.” The rest of the scientists follow her as she walks away, quietly leading the group up to the office door and pressing an ear to the door. Soft whispers float through the group, “I can’t hear anything? What’s going on?” “Hey, do you think he was also fucking Olivi-” “If you finish that sentence you will die by our hands, not Dr. Haydens.” “I don’t think anything’s going on, but shouldn’t they be talking, at the very least?” “I wonder why they aren’t ta-”<br/>
They all freeze as they hear the hiss of the office door unlocking and starting to open. They all scramble away from the door, Amber hurrying to a chair, sitting down and pulling out their phone pretending to be doing nothing wrong and watching as Johnson, Eva and Wyatt all hide behind a single potted plant, making Deidra groan. She turns around, looking into the room and watching as the robotic man shifts the woman sitting on his lap, who is.. Sleeping? Is she really sleeping on Dr. Hayden’s lap? He stands, turns around, and sets her down in the chair, ensuring she won’t fall off, then steps out of his office and gestures for them to all follow him, leading them to a different lab.<br/>
“Er, hello, Dr. Hayden. Do.. you need something from us?” Deidra asks, being the bravest of them all at the moment. They all watch as he walks around a desk, glancing at the empty whiteboards all along the walls. He faces them, putting his hands behind his back, watching them. “Is there a reason you all were talking about my.. personal relationships and discussing inappropriate areas of my body?” Eva coughs, looking off to the side. “How did you know we were talking about that?” Samuel turns his head to face Eva, staring at them for a few seconds. “I may have a human brain, but the rest of me is robotic. I just so happen to be able to hear very loud conversations about me very easily.” The scientists all look down, looking embarrassed, finding the floor or their feet very interesting. After a few seconds Amber mumbles “Are we.. Are we all fired?” and curling in on herself slightly when there was no answer for a few seconds. “You all are very, very lucky you are our smartest team of scientists.”<br/>
They all look up at that, shock and confusion showing on their faces. “But- we’re all on different teams, what do you mean?” They watch the doctor sit down, putting his elbows on the desk and sliding his fingers to interlock in front of his face. “You’re all extremely smart, I’m sure you can figure this out.” They nod, looking at each other, before Deidra freezes, seeing a look on Johnsons face. “Don’t do i-” She says, just as Johnson grins and says “Dr. Hayden? Do you actually have ‘inappropriate’ areas,” making air quotes, “Or are you just saying that to make us uncomfortable?” The rest of the group look at them in shock, jaws wide open, heads whipping around when they hear a static sigh, and a “Yes, I actually do,” come from the robot, and it’s like a flood gate opens.<br/>
They all turn to each other, talking amongst themselves. “Do you think it’s removable? Is that why we can’t see it?” “I think it’s retractable, probably hidden somewhere!” “I’m still 99% sure it glows.” “Why do you want it to glow so much?” “It’d be funny!” “Shut up! If you’re so curious why not just ask him? He’s right th-” They all stop, remembering the fact the person who’s dick they’re speaking of is in the room, before turning to him and seeing him holding his face in one hand. “You all are idiots. Why did I tell you this?” There’s a few seconds of silence before Wyatt, usually the quietest out of the group, asks “Does it actually glow? Do.. Do you use argent for.. Um. You know?” and the gates open again. Eva, Amber and Johnson grab some markers and begin drawing multiple different designs, talking of how to “increase pleasure,” and “Making it comfortable to take,” making Samuel put his head on the desk as eventually Deidra and Wyatt also join in. Soon, the whiteboards around him are filled with different designs, asking him questions when they’re thought of, of which they only get yes or no answers as he keeps his head on the desk, eventually giving up and putting his arms up over his head, the image of absolute defeat. “This is my own personal hell. I’m being punished. This is it.”<br/>
“Dr. Hayd- What in the world?” At the sound of his name, his head lifts, and he watches a guard look around at the whiteboards, and then the group of 5 standing at one, pointing at and talking, changing one of the designs. “I’m.. not gonna ask.” The guard ducks out of the room, and Hayden listens to him speed walking down the hallway after the door has closed. He sits up, watching as two of the scientists, Amber and Wyatt are smacked and then trapped in… Is that a jail made of chairs? Why did Johnson just stick a piece of paper with the words ‘Horny Jail’ on the chairs? What did he miss? The two in the ‘Cell’ continue making suggestions and are listened to, but.. Why are they in there? He gives up. He plants his head back on the desk and sets his head back down.<br/>
Definitely his own personal hell.</p>
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